That dreaded "C" word, the one no one ever want to hear

I wish this was a story of fiction. Sadly, it's not.

It's unpleasant to talk about, but here goes.

Back in May, I had my annual gynecology appointment. Admittedly, I only keep up with them because I'm on birth control and need my yearly prescription refill. Perhaps that reason alone has saved my life, or at least saved me from some terrible medical problems. All seemed fine during the visit. Greg and I were in Cancun later that month, and when I came home I had a voicemail from the gynecologist's office to call them. I did, and was told that while my PAP was clear, my HPV test came back positive for strain 16, one of the high risk strains for cancer. I was very upset, wondering how I had contracted such a thing after so many years, but after some time of research I found that 80% of women have some strain of HPV, and it's the main cause of abnormal PAPs leading to dysplasia and, rarely, cancer. Feeling a little better, I made an appointment to have a colposcopy, which is when the doctor closely looks at the cervix to make sure the PAP didn't miss anything. When it was over, the doctor mentioned to me that she found a very tiny spot, but it didn't strike her to be anything major so she expected the results to come back clean. Yeah, I wish. Leaving the office, I felt good and thought I would see her again in about a year for my next check-up.

 One week passed, and I received a call from the office that the biopsy came back abnormal. Great, I though, I probably have some mild dysplasia and I'm sure it's a very minor procedure to treat. No big deal. Greg had planned to go to the appointment with me to discuss the results, but his hospital was under survey and no one was allowed to take any personal time off. I didn't think it was a big deal. I know many women who have had dysplasia and it's really not a big deal. So off I went to the doctor. Alone.

 As I sat in the room, I was a little uneasy. I do have some pretty moderate anxiety on the best of days, so even minor medical issues can trigger some severe anxiety. When my doctor walked in, I could tell by her body language that the news wasn't good.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Rando. I have some bad news. Your biopsy came back positive for adinocarcinoma. You have cancer"

 Wait, what?????

When you hear that word, a million things go through your head. No, she can't be talking about me and but I'm so healthy, I go to the gym 4-5 days a week and eat the right things or even you have the wrong person's medical records in front of you, there was some kind of mixup. You try so hard to wrap your mind around what you were just told, but it's impossible. Everything the doctor tells you goes through one ear and out the other because you're so fixated on that one word. That one word that literally just smashed your whole world into a million, tiny pieces that would be impossible to piece back together. You know you would never be the same. The, another word stuck with me. Hysterectomy.

 At 31, a hysterectomy, when Greg and I haven't decided completely on kids yet.

I cried with the doctor, but held it together as much as possible while walking to my car. As soon as the door closed behind me, I lost it completely. I called Greg, who didn't answer. So I called my mom. All I could get out was "Mom, I have cancer." I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Finally when Greg called me back moments later, I was of course still sobbing. I immediately drove to his hospital to get him (as we only have one car here in Texas). He asked me questions that I couldn't answer. So we drove back to the doctor so Greg could talk to her. She mentioned to Greg that she thought the biopsy could have removed all the cancer in that spot, but that I would need a cone biopsy to be sure. It's something that has to be done as outpatient in a hospital and I would be put to sleep. My first IV. Great. Thank goodness my doctor prescribed me xanex to get through all this, because I would need it.

I came home and laid in a ball and cried. When you're diagnosed, for some reason it doesn't matter whether it's 100% treatable (as in my case) or not. You feel broken. Your body feels broken. You're heartbroken, and scared, and anxious, and depressed. I didn't have the energy to call anyone else except to call my mom back and explain the situation to her. I know she was heartbroken too. Any mother would be. And I had no idea what to expect moving forward. Hysterectomy was the worst possible case if my biopsy came back positive. I prayed to my grandfather that it wouldn't. I popped a xanex which put me right to sleep.

I had to make an appointment with an oncology gynecologist. An oncologist. A cancer doctor. A doctor I pray you, as a reader, never have to see. An appointment I wish you never have to make. I'm very thankful the office called me with an appointment because I was having a hard time making myself do.

The next week, my cone biopsy was scheduled for that Thursday. I was so scared. So incredibly scared. Greg assured me it would be ok. That it's a minor procedure and I'll have the best sleep in my life when I'm put out. We get to the hospital that Thursday morning, and I was a mess. The poor nurse that had to take my history and give me the IV. She had to numb my hand first to make me feel better about getting it. I was in tears and hyperventilating while she gave it to me. Looking back I thought it was the IV, but I think it was just the culmination of everything I was dealing with internally. My friends Mel and Kristin came to visit me, since they work in the hopsital I had my procedure done in. They sat with Greg and I for about 45 minutes trying their hardest to make me feel better, and I can't thank them enough for that. I did settle down while they were around. I was sedated after talking to all the doctors to make me relax more and was wheeled off. I woke up to a burning feeling from a catheter they apparently placed in me while out. It burned like hell, let me tell you. But other than that I felt fine. I was wheeled out to the car about 30 minutes later and was home resting soon after. Still, today, I'm healing from the biopsy. It's a bitch. For the first week I couldn't do anything, and I'm on week 2 now with at least another week of healing time. They basically take a cone-shaped chunk out where the cancer was found and, I assume, stitch it up. It's not a simple nip. I wasn't even allowed to walk the dogs until recently.

Thankfully, my cone biopsy came back negative, which is very good, but only really buys me time. The cancer, if not in another place already, will come back. This just means Greg and I have some decisions to make on children. And we have to do it, like, now. Because as soon as we're done, those parts have to come out. It's nerve racking, in the least.

My oncology appointment was this past Tuesday. The doctor basically reiterated what my gynecologist had already told me. He has requested I get an MRI to determine whether there are lesions in my uterus. He doesn't believe there will be, as he and my normal gynecologist believe they have caught this in the earliest stage they could have. I guess I should share some information on the cancer I have:
Adinocarcinoma. It does not spread past my reproductive organs, so no chemotherapy or radiation will be necessary. Even though it may have been remove in one spot, it sends local satellite cells to other parts of the cervix. If left long enough, it can move into the uterus. It is also slow growing, which is why we are safe waiting for a few years before surgery. It's also important to note that this cancer is not the cancer caused by the HPV strain I have. That cancer is much, much worse and I'm thankful I don't have that. In fact, if my HPV test had not come back positive, they would not have found it. Lucky for me, I guess, that HPV could have saved my life. Wouldn't that make a good title for a book?

I'm currently scheduled for my MRI in September with a follow up the following week to discuss the results. From there, I will be checked very closely to make sure it's not coming back while we wait to make a decision about children. I'm not happy about the waiting. If I had my way, they would just remove it now so I could move on with my life and be done with it.

So, why am I sharing this for the internet to see? Because, my friends, if this can happen to me, then it can happen to you as well. If I, a 31 year old who cares about her body, who exercises more than not and who has completely switched to organic, non-gmo foods, who rarely eats unhealthy can have this, then so can you. I don't mean to frighten, but it's true. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It just happens. It's a part of life. Women, if you haven't made an appointment to a gyno recently, do it. Get checked. The most recent guidelines are every 3 years until 30 then every 5. But if your insurance pays for a yearly visit like mine does, then go. Just go. It's also good screening for breast cancer. Men, get prostate exams and colonoscopies, and get blood work checked. I haven't had that done in years and now want to. Just do it. It's better to be proactive than not, and i may have been singing a different tune if I didn't get checked as regularly as I do. 

I guess I also just need this blog as a coping mechanism. Greg has been so strong, since we've had a lot to deal with before this happened. Stresses of life, that I won't share here, because they seem so trivial compared to what we're dealing with now. But also because I  don't want to bother someone everytime I break down in tears, like I do regularly, though not as much as I was after the first diagnosis. Perhaps this journey will also be something I can look back on when all is said and done and pat myself on the back for going through something so scary. Perhaps it will make me a braver person, a stronger person. 

You know, it's funny. Even after living with this for a few months now, I still have issues saying the "C' word. I didn't even like typing it. It feels like a dream. A dream that I can't wake up from. Or a very bad movie. Something that isn't real. I remember telling Greg that it felt like a nightmare and that all I wanted to do was wake up. 

I don't know when I'll post this. It's going to take a lot of courage to do so. But, I found this saying that has taken me through this entire process and I'm sticking with it.

I will update this as I find out more. Right now, I just have an appointment Monday with my original gynecologist to make sure I'm healing properly. I also plan to beg her to let me do my follow-ups with her because I lover her so much and it was her proactive mentality that found this in the first place. 

 And just keep in mind, that when life gets tough, things can always be worse. The one thing I wish I could say right now is "at least I have my health" and I can't for the first time in my life. And all I want is my health back.

Engagement! Fun! Yay!

So, I decided to pick back up on my blogging because I've linked it to our wedding webpage to update all those curious folks out there on what's going on with our engagement fun. I guess the biggest story in wedding news is that I ordered our engagement photos today! Our photographer, Gabby, is an old high school friend that has her own photography business. She lives in New Orleans, but frequents up these parts for photo shoots. She did a tremendous job on our photos! It was super hard to choose which to get, and I loved them so much that I ordered more than our package allowed. Oops!

These pictures will be featured on our save-the-date cards due out in September sometime. I also purchased a photobook and can't wait to add the pictures to it! Hopefully we get it before we go on vacation so I can show my family how amazing her pictures were. Don't worry, they will be posted on the website as soon as I get my hands on them!

my pooch Brutus

Two years ago, my aunt bought a puppy. She was in a pet shop at the local mall and saw a chihuaua puppy sitting in one of the many crates, most of which are too small for the pups residing in them. She proceded to explain what it was like to look into the puppy's eyes and immediately went to the counter to buy him. She always told me that Gizmo [said chihuaua] chose her, not the other way around. I never knew what she meant. After all, how could a dog choose an owner when they're said to have no cognitive thought [something i heavily disagree with]. Years later, the same thing happened to another aunt who walked into the same pet store to find a puggle she immediately fell in love with. I never understood what they were talking about until a few years later when the same thing would happen to me.

Greg decided he wanted to get a dog, and it was an idea I had no intentions of agreeing with. We don't have a lifestyle for a dog. Greg works at night, or did at the time, and I worked during the day. Neither of us had the time or money to care for a dog. Regardless of my opinion, I began searching online at local SPCAs as well as other small adoption agencies. I'm a strong advocate for adoption, you see. Anyone has the heart to love a puppy. But do those people also have the capacity to love an old, worn, decrepid dog who can barely walk or speak? These dogs probably has a higher love capacity than any puppy does because they appreciate more based on their life experiences. Probably not, because we all love things that are shiny and new. But not me. If Greg would let me, I would walk into the SPCA and specifically ask for the oldest dog they have, the one that has been there the longest and gets no attention, and I would take that dog home because it would probably appreciate the love I give it more than any other dog I could get. I could live with that type of dog for the rest of my life.

but back to my story...

I found a small, private rescue in Northern Maryland (www.pawsforlife.org, Ginny, the owner is amazing for what she does!) and browsed through her available dogs. Listed was a pug mix named [formerly] Jeff who didn't look like a very attractive dog. It was hard to tell how large he was and he seemed very mismatched between his head and his body. I showed Greg who immediately called her for an appointment to come see him. All along I'm thinking to myself that this is a bad idea, an accident waiting to happen. I don't want to be the one to have to return an adopted dog to a shelter because I too couldn't care for it.

It was a Friday when we went to see the dog. Driving up, it was the prettiest scenery I've seen in a long time. Ginny also adopts horses which graze on a huge field. It was breathtaking. On the way there, I kept asking Greg if he was ready to take on such a commitment. Of course, his answer was yes, as it always is with men who think they are capable of anything and everything under the sun [haha, love you!]. We pull up the driveway to see the back of Ginny's SUV open, and a small dog sitting in the back. As soon as I laid eyes upon this small, 11 lb dog, I was in love. He seemed so timid and was much smaller than I imagined him to be. We took him inside to talk with Ginny about him. She informed us that he had just been neutered the day before and was still feeling the anesthesia effect. As we talked he layed in the corner of the room on a dog bed looking up at us, strangers at the time. Turned out he was half pug, half chihuaua, an odd combination but he turned out to be much cuter than his picture protrayed. Surprisingly, she let us bring him home that day after paying a mere $250 [as opposed to thousands for puppies!].

I can't descibe it except that I was in total love with this dog before I knew anything about him. He was so scared when we brought him home. He hid under tables and chairs and wasn't too active due to the anesthesia. I had to leave to head to school, but Greg stayed with him that day and night, trying to start building the trust between us and him. Over much debate about names, Greg came up with Brutus, from him love for the HBO show "Rome". I wanted something from Disney, as we both [unfortunate, but necessary to admit] love Disney movies. But he won, because technically, it was his dog...at the time.

Over the next few months, Brutus fit right into our little family. I think of him more as a son, odd as it may sound, because Greg and I aren't at the stage yet to have kids of our own. I buy him cute little sweaters as I find them, and he has a Ravens jersey to fit right in with the rest of the family. Everyone loves him. My dad calls him "pop-pop's boy" and my mom always jokingly ask him if he's going to start paying rent during those occasions when he stays at my parents house for weeks on end. He is the best thing to come home to when things in life suck or after a bad day of work. The best thing is seeing his excitement when I walk in and him taking a good 10 minutes to calm down enough to let me pet him. But I think my favorite thing about him is that he is the best cuddle buddy, especially at night. His favorite place to sleep is in my curves, either right at my chest area or behind my knees, and he always has to be under the covers. He gets cold easily just like his mommy which makes for a warm bed in cold winter months. He always gets up when I do and follows me in the morning before I go to work or proceeds to the couch on weekend morning to watch tv with me.

Greg makes the joke all the time that I didn't want the dog in the first place and he's more attached to me than he is to him. He is generally good with other people but loves other dogs. We'll probably wind up getting him a brother or sister to play with as we sometimes can't keep up with his energy. In Greg and I's 4 years together, never have we done anything as wonderful as to add a puppy to our lives.

awaiting baby erin's arrival

I have not been feelings the holidays much this year, until one particular day. I was in the grocery store the other day grabbing some lunch from their hot food bar. As I was putting my salad and candy on the counter, this older man in front of me was teasing the attendant. He seemed so jolly of an old man. The attendant began admiring the pins on the man's hat, and he proceeded to tell her that he served in WW1 and WW2. She started laughing because, how was he old enough to serve in WW1? As he grabbed his things, she said "Happy Holidays". He turned and said "No ma'am, it's Merry Christmas". That was the moment I got into the Christmas spirit.

My sister is about ready to pop with my niece, and we're all sitting around in anticipation near our phones waiting for the call we all want to hear. I cannot wait to have baby Erin here for the holidays, but I keep wondering about some things, particularly about Bruce. I love that little man SO much, it's hard to put it in words. When I did try to put it in words was during my maid of honor speech at my sister's wedding, causing me to flood the scene with tears over my love for the little man. I keep asking myself how it's possible for me to love this new little one as much as I love my Brucie baby. He is just the world to me, it's a feeling I've never experienced before. I know that once she gets here I will love her as much, and I will also continue to love my Brucie baby who I think will always have a special place in my heart above all others. It's not just because he was the first I experienced these emotions with, but he also is my godson and that holds special meaning in my family. Christie even told me this morning he was asking her if I was coming over today. You see, my nephew loves godzilla movies, at the age of 2. Yes, he's crazy. When I come over, his house, his favorite thing to do is play godzilla. I stomp around after him while he screams, and I'll pick him up and throw him on the bed or sofa. He loves it! I just hope I have the same bond with her.

i never would have thought i would have the chance for something this aweosme

so, i have to admit, i just found a perk to becoming an environmental engineer. a consulting firm visited work on friday who owns offices all over the world, some of which include japan, hawaii, and australia. i have my heart set on hawaii pretty much. i talked to greg about it, and, though his dislike for beaches, he agreed that it would be amazing to move there. i pretty much have my heart set on it. i need a change. though that's a pretty drastic change, it would be a dream come true for me. who wouldn't want to live there? so i got a little obsessive and looked up places and jobs this morning, and there's stuff there for both greg and i. moving from my family would be so hard. not being able to see bruce and kaitlyn grow up, or go to their sports games or ballet performances would suck. and greg has a new nephew that he would miss, but it would only be for a few years. i don't think i plan on spending my life there; it would just be something for a few years. i don't want to have kids there or anything because it's too expensive. an apartment there is like paying for a mortgage. but it would be well worth it, and everyone would have a free place to stay for vacation. we were talking about either buying a condo there or just renting an apartment. it's definately something to look forward to. i told my parents about it, and they seemed to think that it's something i should go for because, well, why not? who wouldn't move there if they had the opportunity?

what you want isn't what you need

so, i can't believe that february is already almost half over. honestly, it's not going fast enough for me. the faster it goes, the shorter this semester will be. it's definately turning out to be a hard semester. seems like i have to go to my professor everytime i have homework due, and i can't do my physiochem homework without my other classmates' help. i guess that's just how it is sometime though. it wouldn't be school without stress. besides, it makes it that much more satisfying when i do good in them. it's almost over, that's what i like telling myself.

i've been hanging out with my friends mike, jim, ben, sean, and other mike a lot lately. we've been going to a diner once a week to hang out, and it's so much fun. it's a good time to kick back and shoot the shit for hours on end as we all sip coffee. we've been yelled at by the manager because of loudness coming from our table, which i think turns out to be a good story haha. there's just never any stress when hangin out with the guys. it's a wonder what joking and laughing will do for the soul.

i joined a rec volleyball team, which starts next week. i'm pretty excited. it's been awhile since i've played...like 3 years. our name is "practice safe sets". pretty clever i must say. i hope we win because i don't think i'm gonna be the star of the team. a good way to get rid of stress too :)

a new year, a new age

i guess i'm officially 24 now. i like to think of it as being 21 all over again...for the rest of my birthdays. age is only a state of mind and it doesn't matter unless you're wine or cheese. since i'm neither i like to think i'll be young for the rest of my life. and i got to celebrate it with everyone that matters to me. it was good fun of course.

i hate cold weather. shivering while watiting for my car to warm is the worst. but oh, does it feel good when it gets nice and hot. the only way i like cold weather is if it's snowing, and it's not. i hope to have off valentine's day again like i did last year beause of snow. i gave greg the autographed saints helmet i bought for him on ebay and he loved it of course. i'm awesome.

school started this week. it's going to be a busy semester, and i'll just leave it at that. oh, how i can't wait to be done!